♥ The Musings of Mandy: Archive

Goodbye My Lover, Goodbye My Friend

My therapist asked me last month when I wanted to come in again. She knew I didn’t need her as much, and I was happy to tell her 8 weeks instead of 4 - not only because it’ll same me funds, but because I really don’t need her as much! This will be the first month since January that I haven’t seen her (sometimes twice a month), and quite honestly, I feel very good about it....

Sep 7th

Dirty Girl (tee-hee!)

I don’t hate anyone, but sometimes I need to listen to music that reaches parts of myself that are never accessed - you know, to balance out all the goodness. This is one of my favorite songs to access the dirty, gritty, fuck you, hatefulness that is in all of us, but rarely expressed. It makes me want to snort some coke, screw some hot stranger like there’s no tomorrow, and give up on...

Sep 3rd

“Even if our efforts of attention seem for years to be producing no result, one...”

– Simone Weil

Aug 15th

Magic Trackpad & other Updates

I just wanted to say that after getting used to it, the Magic Trackpad is fantastic! As for the other issues I ranted about last time, I’m no longer friends with the big fat lying parasite around whom I had to bite my tongue. I knew the relationship was no good, but we had some good times, so I kept her until I just couldn’t stand it anymore. Unfortunately, that time came when I...

Aug 11th

bloody tongue

I’ve had to figuratively bite my tongue so many times today that it left me with pent up anger that I just wanted to unleash on anyone around. Poor Clint. The first thing I didn’t really have to bite my tongue during, but I had to be somewhat polite about it. I got the new Apple magic track pad. It sucks. I hate it. A mouse is so much more efficient. Why the hell anyone would...

Jul 29th

Free Therapy + Bigots

Pretend you’re looking at me. Do I have a flashing neon sign on my forehead that says I’m a therapist? It’s true that I do care about people’s problems - especially people I care about - but when people I barely know have an hour+ session with me (something I pay greatly for), I feel like it’s unfair. When I try to relate, “oh, I know what you mean...

Jul 11th

A Lost Part of Me

Most of the time I do all right. I am sad, but I don’t cry. Then there are days when I miss him so much I just want to lock myself in my bedroom and scream and cry into my pillow. It has been around eight months since Cupid died, and not a day has gone by during which I didn’t think of him. I can’t bring myself to look at pictures of him. They’re like flashing neon...

Jul 9th

Balance

I’ve been annoyed lately but I’m trying very hard not to be passive-aggressive, and I’m very non-confrontational (unless you really piss me off) so I wanted to make a list of 10 things that annoy me. This will be therapeutic! But, I couldn’t just leave it at that because it’s uncharacteristically negative, so I’m also adding 10 things that I love. Things...

Jun 26th

Jun 21st

Potentially Deleted Tomorrow

I used to be inspired by my potential. Now I feel smothered by it. If I were to be a Psychiatrist as I had originally intended, would I be happy? If I were to go back to school and just get an associate’s degree in veterinary medicine, would I be satisfied? Would I feel I’m up to my own standards? I mean - I expect others to be educated and employed in some sort of lucrative...

Jun 16th

Princess

Maybe it’s the fairytale-believing part of me, but even though I’m confident enough to not succumb to flattery, I completely melt when men call me Princess. I lose every ounce of my independence and strength of will, mind, and spirit. I can show you the world Shining, shimmering, splendid Tell me, princess, now when did You last let your heart decide? I can open your eyes Take you ...

May 21st

Dr. Heckyll

My therapist broke up with me. Well, I thought she did. I mentioned that I felt she started discussing things that weren’t issues, that I tell her everything, and that not everything I say is a problem. I could’ve told her that she hasn’t helped me at all except for prescribing medications that trigger my pre-frontal cortex to function properly…but I didn’t. ...

May 12th

Exaggerations

For some reason, people tend to want to exaggerate their experiences. It’s always been a pet peeve of mine. In high school, one of my friends was a compulsive liar. She’d make up things that never happened. I was with her, and she had to know I knew she was lying. She just wanted events to be more than they were. She was rarely ill-intentioned—sometimes she just told people that...

Apr 12th

“If you propose to speak, always ask yourself, is it true, is it necessary, is it...”

– Buddha

Apr 9th

Ooooo, shiny!

This post comes with a soundtrack! Clint and I have been talking the “M-word” lately. That’s right marriage…proposal. I want a ring, damn it! A big ring. A shiny ring. Something worth putting up with him for 11 years. I don’t think marriage is intrinsically bad, I just think most people get married for the wrong reasons, or during the courting phase - a...

Apr 7th

It IS the thought that counts...now THINK

You know what annoys me? Let me tell you. When people give homemade gifts whilst claiming it’s more meaningful than material items. Guess what. I’m on to you; I know you are either cheap or can’t afford a ‘real’ gift. The exceptions are people with a certain trade or profession. If a carpenter wanted to give me a cat tree, or a designer wanted to give me a...

Apr 1st

Child Freedom

I don’t want a baby. I know it, and everyone who knows me well knows it; however, my uterus does not know this. My hormones do not know this. My biological clock meticulously crafted from years of evolution doesn’t know this. I’m tempted all the time. Every time I see a cute baby I feel my ovaries shoot out an egg. Not only do I think it’s selfish to have children, I...

Mar 31st

silly

Me: [something snarky]
Clint: Why you little...!
Me: Why do you always do that? Why do you act like Homer Simpson?
Clint: If I'm Homer, you're Marge.
Me: I am NOTHING like Marge. I would not put up with Homer.
Clint: (laugh)
Me: I'd have Homer whipped in no time.
Clint: D'oh!

Mar 22nd

success

Clint and I were heading out when he saw a tiny lady bug on his side mirror. He pointed it out to me. “Look - a lady bug.” I, of course, reacted with the appropriate aww’s. We drove off to get the mail in the mail room, and when he got out of the car, he paused and looked back in. “Do you think I should take him off and put him on the bushes out here?” I said ...

Mar 15th

missing

My psychiatrist reminded me that it has been a while since I’ve blogged. I told her it’s hard for me to focus on something I feel so strongly about when I feel so calm lately. And, truthfully, I have to be a little anxious to be able to focus enough to write; I have to feel what I’m writing. I know it comes across as calm, but it is usually burning like a fire within my...

Feb 9th

Jan 14th

Purrl

Wise man once say: if you smooch cat with fur the same way you smooch cat without fur, you end up with mouth full of fur. I’m declaring at this moment that I will never be responsible for another cat with fur. I love Purrl as much as I can love any cat I’ve only known for two weeks, but the fur is beginning to get to me. I orginally got Sphynxes because Clint is/was allergic to...

Jan 14th

I Stand

I post this song at the risk of my loyal fans thinking less of me. It’s a cheesy song - one that I would have never thought I’d enjoy - but it touches my heart. It’s one of those songs that, when I’m alone, I crank it up and belt it out until my cats run and hide. Flash will be needed, of course - sorry iPhoners!

Jan 10th

Fair Bear

If I were a Care Bear I’d be Fair Bear. I’ve recently realized that nothing is more important to me than fairness. Even the physical and mental well-being of humans - causes that have always been close to my heart - have no significance other than being unfair. Why should someone suffer in this world when we have the means to save them? And animals. My beloved animals. Is it not the...

Jan 1st

Excited

For the past year or so I’ve just been using my blog to post things that have “clicked” for me in hopes of inspiring others who may already be so inclined (otherwise they wouldn’t be reading this in the first place), however, at the moment I just feel the need to touch buttons in specific patterns until they form words. I’m going to pick up Serendipity in three...

Dec 30th

The Reality

I thought I was getting “better.” I don’t know if life after losing a loved one ever gets “better,” but at the very least, it was tolerable. I was living again. I was ‘me’ again. Then for some reason, the pain came back. The feeling of loss came back. I began missing him like it had only been days since I lost him. I know from experience that grief comes...

Dec 19th

If I Could Be Where You Are - Enya

Dec 10th

I Feel It All

I’d give anything to see him sunbathing blissfully again, warming my heart as much as he was warming his flesh. Shopping has always been about more than frivolous material items to fill my home or make me look pretty. In fact, I have a very minimal and modern style so I don’t buy junk. It has always been about creating the perfect space for me and my family. My family being my cats...

Dec 10th

Serendipity

A few days ago I said to myself as I was browsing cats and dogs (and even bunny rabbits) in need of a home, that if I ever did get another animal, I’d want our lives’ collision to be purely serendipitous. I even toyed with the idea of naming her Serendipity - an internal suggestion almost immediately vetoed based on the fact that it’s too gender-specific to be truly...

Dec 7th

Water Treatment

Loving Cupid was always on top of my TO DO list. It wasn’t the first shower but it was the first I took as a human rather than an autonomous drone. I didn’t intend for it to be different than every shower I’ve taken since I lost him, but as I ran my hands under the stream and the drops beat melodically against my fingertips, I became aware that those tiny cells would never...

Dec 6th

The First 'Fuck You'

Cupid’s heart-shaped muzzle, pointed at the end for easier and deeper soul penetration. I had a calendar with bubbles on each day resembling very large bubble wrap. I remember running my hand over all of the bubbles when I first got it, wondering what this year had in store for me. Somehow having tangible pockets of air made each day seem more significant. I paused at important dates such...

Dec 5th

Missing You - Jem I wish this could be a happy...

Dec 5th

The Void

Cupid curled up in my shirt (11/29) - a treat for us both highly dependent on the shirt’s elasticity. I’d prop him up on the desk in front of me for added support. I hadn’t anticipated how great the loss would be. I was feeling as positive as one could feel when facing the death of someone they greatly cherished with all their being. I had thoughts of what my life would be like...

Dec 4th

Watch

Sweet, lovable, cherished, holder of my heart.

Dec 3rd

Awareness

I don’t think we trust our bodies enough. Or whatever powers our bodies. Ever since Cupid has been ill and needing medication in the morning and at night, I have been wide awake at those times regardless of how long I’ve slept. I normally sleep 7 hours naturally, as my body wakes when it’s ready. Lately it’s as though it knows that I have something very important I need to...

Nov 30th

Pure

I have a deeper awareness than most people I meet. Maybe it’s more of a deeper understanding of the correlation between words chosen and actions with the feelings within. I always strive to impart positive energy with everything I do. It keeps the world in balance. An example of this is when Cupid was ill and we had a $2000+ vet bill. I had just bought a $2200 iMac (which I saved two months...

Nov 26th

Frankenstein

I wish I knew what causes the heart to ache when we lose someone we love. We should have evolved to let go since it’s a natural part of life. Perhaps if it were easier to get over the loss of someone, we’d not try as hard to keep them. Still, I wish evolution had provided a mechanism for overcoming the unbearable pain; to get past no longer being able to hold someone physically by...

Nov 19th

Care-free Caring

I recently realized why it makes sense (and is fair) that some people’s lives are easier than others: it’s incredibly hard to care about other people when your life sucks, or when you are too busy making a conscious effort to live your life (work, kids, etc). When people have a relatively easy life, just living as opposed to trying to make a living, it frees up a tremendous amount of...

Nov 18th

Hey Jealousy

I don’t think anyone is capable of never being jealous of something. I saw a vanity plate the other day that read: NYC2OKC, and my first response was the slight narrowing and focusing of the eyes that indicates jealousy as I thought, “So? Who cares?” I commented on it. Clint agreed. Then I checked myself. “Actually, if I didn’t think it were something worthy of being...

Nov 12th

“All this worldly wisdom was once the unamiable heresy of some wise man.”

– Henry David Thoreau

Nov 10th

Back to the Future

Maybe I do expect too much from people, but for that to be true it must be true I am somehow capable of more than the vast majority of other humans. If you want to concede that I am a super-human, that’s fine by me! It would certainly make things less frustrating. I am somehow able to maintain a balance between feeling what is right and allowing others to be wrong. A vegan lifestyle, for...

Nov 10th

Do What You Can

People often think volunteering is the quintessential “good” act. It’s usually how they gauge their own level of do-goodness and that of others. It’s true that the world needs volunteers very badly. It’s important to volunteer. However, not everyone can do it. For people like me, who’s heart burns at the site of a caged animal and breaks at the site of a...

Nov 5th

Connecting

I’m connected to…well, everything. In a word, I guess it’s “nature,” as it’s everything alive. I’ve always felt connected. Actually, it’s more of a disconnect. I feel how disconnected people are. People who are preoccupied with careers, families and their own circumstances. I have always known I have an extraordinarily keen ability to read a person;...

Nov 2nd

Am I Danish and Don't Know It?

Is Denmark heaven on Earth? I tend to romanticize things I’m excited about so it’s unlikely that Denmark is utopia; however, I do think it’s better than the United States in many ways. It’s one of the most even in terms of income, which may seem unfair but frankly, I give away a large part of our family income anyway. Higher taxes - when being used properly - is...

Oct 23rd

Trust Me, I Care

People like to feel superior in a number of ways, but one that irritates me is their arrogance stemming from caring about “more important” causes. In reality, limiting themselves to only being concerned for causes they deem “important” makes them inferior, if that’s something they gauge superiority by. I’m passionate about…well, everything. But I am only vocal about a few choice causes - mostly,...

Oct 19th

Me in a Nutshell

Mandy: Okay, heads Panera Bread, tails Jason's.
Mandy: It's tails. I guess that's okay. No, I want Panera Bread.
Clint: I read that people really want the one they say first.
Mandy: I know that would be the logical assumption. That's why I try to be fair when I choose. I don't want an involuntary bias so, for head's, I either pick the one that comes first alphabetically, logistically, or the one we eat at most often.
Clint: Well, most people.

Oct 17th

I Believe In You

I believe people can change. Most people. I also believe that some people have brain malfunctions making them do certain things or be a certain way, like pedophilia, which there is no cure for. These people need to be humanely kept away from society. I don’t think they’re “bad” people, just people with misfiring brains. I see them from a biological standpoint, not a...

Oct 14th

Listen

Oct 13th

Arrogant Good

I saw a deer on the side of the road - not in the capacity in which I’d like to see deer. I was angry. Livid! How hard is it to avoid hitting an animal - whether it’s a deer or a squirrel - if you are paying attention? We almost hit a squirrel the other day, but Clint slammed on the breaks and we saved that dumb squirrel’s life! I have to believe that Clint’s desire to...

Oct 12th

“Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.”

– George Bernard Shaw

Oct 6th